I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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