my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
