I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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