I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I'm at about main and main street
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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