paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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