my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
