i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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