Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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