it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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