So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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