life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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