this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
