Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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