Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
