Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
