im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
im drinking this country out of the recession.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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