Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
