So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
