were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
