so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
