she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
