I'm going to jail i love you
I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I FOUND THE LEGS
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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