U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
