so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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