mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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