you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Randomize
