I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
