It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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