I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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