Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
