i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
