And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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