Where did you get a picture of my penis
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
