he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
