Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
