how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
