What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
