i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
it hurts more in the daytime
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
How external is "for external use only"?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
