Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
