you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Sorry about my life...
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
