Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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