i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
