I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
