Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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