Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
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