is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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