Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
May the power of my ass compel you!!
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
