Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
