She went from zero to smokin in five shots
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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