This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Randomize
