I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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