Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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