Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
